Venting? Grieving? Maybe sometimes they go hand in hand

My last surviving grand parent died fairly suddenly around 4:30am on 11/4/09.

I loved my grandma. Unfortunately I hadn't seen her in a couple years. She was living with my aunt in Colorado and I just hadn't had/made the time to go see her. I really regret that now.

She died from complications of a fall. All of my information is second and third hand as it has filtered down from my parents. Apparently she fell down a flight of stairs and fractured her C1 and C2 vertebrae on Tuesday, and the doctors basically said it was only a matter of time until she died.

I learned today that she was ready to die and had talked about it for a few months since she had her first TIA (mini stroke) in August. My dad said that things could not have worked out better for grandma because she wasn't in pain any more, and didn't have to live with her great fear of burdening anyone, or not being able to paint. She loved to paint and was really quite good at it. I was hoping she would paint me a special beach scene before she died so I would always have a personal piece of her art. Sadly I'm not going to get that chance.

Her death I can accept, her peace and happiness as she assuredly looks down on me and my family from heaven, I can celebrate, but the way her time ended here on Earth won't easily pass for me.

As my mom told me, I have the blessing of more medical knowledge than most people. I've grown up around the medical field and it is my chosen profession. Because of this, things that some people probably have no idea about, I think of as second nature and almost take for granted. Knowing the things I know and now hearing more specific aspects of my grandma's care, I can't help but think that this could have been avoided.

I can't help but think that if my grandma was living somewhere different than where she was, she could have lived a longer life. Painted more. Maybe even seen a few more great grand kids. Unfortunately I don't think she was getting the care she needed to make that happen.

I don't necessarily like the fact that I have resentment right now for my aunt and her husband and for the doctors my grandma was seeing, but I think that they did a poor job managing my grandma's health.

It is never an OK option for a doctor to say they have done all they can unless they are facing an incurable/terminal disease, or damage that is unrecoverable. This was not my grandma's case. Where were her doctors when my grandma's blood pressure was too high? Where were her doctors when she started having TIAs? Why weren't they looking into potential causes? I'm just a physical therapy student and I was able to come up with several causes that I don't think were ruled out!!! I think they saw an 88 year old woman and just decided FOR her that not too much needed to be done. That she had a good run, but it was time to call it quits. Bullshit!! That is not their decision to make!!

Which brings me to my aunt. Why wasn't she getting more involved? Why would you just accept it when you are told there is nothing else to do? Granted, she doesn't have any medical background, but we're talking about your mom and my grandma! Why wouldn't you fight for more options? See other doctors? Do something?!?!?

A may be a little off base with my thoughts here, and I know these feelings will eventually subside as I continue to process and accept this still very fresh wound, but right now, anger and resentment are a part of my grief. I don't like it, but it's just one more part of this I have to reluctantly accept.

If you are reading this, just know that there is almost always something more that can be done and if it's worth it, you need to fight for it!

I love you grandma. I'll miss you.